Chapter Eighty-Seven – What Matters Is Who You Are Now

I found Kwame staring at his screen, his mind clearly a million miles away. He looked very troubled. I frowned. I hadn’t seen him like that since his Lara days. The library was gradually emptying out as students trickled out for their Friday evening fun.

“Kwame,” I called out to him. “Kwame!” I repeated louder, snapping my fingers in his face to bring him back to the present. “Are you okay?” I asked with concern. Whatever was eating him up must have been a big deal because he couldn’t even pretend to be unbothered.

I grabbed the seat next to him. We could talk in normal tones because the library was basically empty now. There were no students to disturb. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

Kwame looked at me like he was going to cry at any second. I could tell that he was weighing his options of whether or not to tell me what it was. He eventually decided. “What the hell, you already think I’m a worthless piece of shit so I might as well tell you anyway.”

That stung. Yes, I did think he was the scum of the earth but that was when he was with Lara, making one dumb decision after another. He hadn’t been that guy in over a year.

“I don’t think that,” I said quietly. He could sense the earnestness in my voice and it relaxed him a little.

“I’m going to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone else.” I nodded. His secret was safe with me. Well, safe is subjective given that I’m telling you guys the secret now. But then again, you guys are different. It doesn’t count.

“Remember Stephanie from Bible class?” I nodded again. I was not about to interrupt this hot gist. Especially if it had him sitting there like he’d committed some heinous crime. A million ideas started flashing through my mind. Could Stephanie and him have been involved and now she too was pregnant? Did she die? What could this be about. Turns out the first part of my first theory was accurate.

Kwame hung his head in shame. “I don’t know what came over me. I mean, they warned me but I didn’t listen. I regret it so much, Araba. I feel like such a fraud. I thought I had changed but I’m still the same piece of shit you hated from back then. If my church members find out about this, it’s over for me. Pastor Dave is certainly going to strip me of the Bible class. Can you imagine how he’s going to look at me after all the chances he gave me?”

My heart ached to see Kwame like this. It also felt weird to be his confidant. We were never friends when he was with Lara and though our relationship had improved since then. We were hardly close enough to share such deep intimate problems. I sighed.

“Kwame, you need to stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake, so what? Who hasn’t? what matters is that you pick up yourself and keep moving. There are so many people in the Bible who did the wrong thing over and over and God forgave them. I doubt you’re about to be the exception. Don’t let shame keep you down.”

Kwame looked like he was listening, so I kept going. “I used to be the president of ‘Kwame ain’t shit association’ but I’ve seen you transform over the last year. If I didn’t think you’d changed, why would I be in your Bible Study. You’ve challenged me to be a better person and that is saying something. I think you should forget about it and move on. If God has forgiven you, who cares what your church members think? Ignore them.”

Kwame smiled at me. He hadn’t known what to expect when he spoke to me. He thought I might say something along the lines of ‘once bad, always bad’ but here I was championing him on. If I believed he was a different person then it really had to mean he was. Sure, he’d done something stupid. He was sorry for it and he’d asked God for forgiveness almost every minute since. Maybe I was right. Maybe it was time for him to move on.

“Thanks, Araba.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, “and since you clearly not studying, should we go back to the hostel together?”

He laughed, gathering his things and we walked back to the hostel together.

Meanwhile, back in the room, Lara was weighing her options. The remaining inventory was staring at her as her father’s words echoed through her mind. She had to follow through and show her father that she was just as business minded as he was. This business was her first thing she could share with her parents and she couldn’t let Mara mess that up for her.

She checked her watch, anxiously waiting for me to get back to the room. Maybe I would know the best way to break the news to Mara without offending her.

I on the other hand was strolling back leisurely with Kwame. We had transitioned from conversations about annoying lectures to Boateng.

“You guys should talk,” Kwame advised. I smiled to myself. Sometimes when he spoke, if not for the difference in voice, I imagined it was Pastor Dave speaking – and to think he thought he was still the same wasteman from before.

“I don’t know…” I began.

“Do you still like him?”. I nodded. “Then you need to let go of the past. You both did some pretty stupid stuff. You need to move on from that. If that means the two of you just reconcile as friends, that’s better than what you’ve got going on right now, icing him out like that. He was a free agent when he and Aseda had that thing going on. There was some deception. No one is denying that. What matters now is who you guys choose to be moving forward.”

I hated that Kwame was right. Boateng had hurt me by not telling me about him and Aseda but at the same time, we weren’t together. I had also done things to hurt him and he retaliated. Surely we could create a clean streak. Was that not possible?

Lara accosted me the moment my feet were in the room.

“Where have you been? I have been waiting all evening for you.”

Before I could even respond, she continued. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the business and stuff,” she paused, “I think I want to remove Mara from the business”.

This news caught me by surprise and I needed to take a seat. “What do you mean? Where’s this coming from?”. I had a million questions but we could start with these.

Lara instinctively walked over to the inventory, placing her hand on one of the boxes as she spoke. “On Sunday, my father suggested it.”

“Lara…”

“But he’s not wrong. Araba, think about it. Mara doesn’t want to get new inventory. She doesn’t seem to care about figuring out a solution to the competition. She’s unbothered about turning a profit. All this is just one big joke to her. Meanwhile, to me, this all means the world. It’s my first real chance to show my father that I’m a worth a damn and I can’t have her ruin this for me.”

I paused to think about the best response. It felt nice to be back in my former role – the one offering advice while everyone else around me had their life crumbling. I’d missed that. Last season was like a constant terrible dream.

I sighed. “Lara, you can’t just cut Mara out. Sure, it’s a bonding thing with your parents but it was Mara’s idea. There’s no way you can hijack that without causing some bitter feelings.”

Lara collapsed onto the bed. I continued, trying to offer some hope. “If it means so much to you, then why don’t you start your own business? This can be something you do independently and then you can bond with your family.”

“I don’t know. My father will take it as me quitting on something. He may lose interest and what little respect he has for me.”

I frowned, changing into my nightie. Don’t panic, I showered before the library. “Lara, let’s be honest, your parents are so hard to impress. Who’s to say they won’t lose interest in this business venture the next time you go to see them. I feel like you’re squeezing too tightly at this straw and it’s not worth it. Who cares what your parents think?”

Lara looked offended like a little child asked to give away her favorite toy. If you looked closely, you would see her snatch the toy closer to her chest defensively. “I don’t expect you to understand, Araba. What was I even thinking? You’ve had your parents ogling over your life from the moment you popped out of your mum’s cooch. I haven’t had that. So, excuse me if I’m trying to experience some semblance of parental bonding.”

Lara furiously turned off the light and plopped onto her bed, turning her back towards me. I sat on my bed silently. “I guess you just have to ask yourself if your father’s so-called approval is worth losing a friend because that’s definitely what’s going to happen here and I definitely don’t want to be in the middle of that.”